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Well, That Didn't Take Long

1/7/2014

6 Comments

 
"Oh no, what's wrong with you?" she asked, with a concerned look on her face.
"Nothing, until you asked me that" is what I wanted to reply. 

I have been scouring the internet for adoption blogs and helpful websites, so I know that I am not the first to be asked this hurtful question, nor will I be the last.   I know that adoptive families everywhere are asked this question everyday, and deal with it with grace.  I have read their answers, and I have read how to explain to people who simply do not understand.  So I was surprised that this question stung as much as it did.  I was even more surprised that I fumbled for an answer.  That I mumbled something unintelligible, and excused myself quickly.

I wish I could go back and change my mumble.  I wish I could stop thinking of the right thing to say hours later as I'm laying in bed.


I think what hurt the most is that the question implies that there is something wrong with adoption.  There is something wrong with Jonathan and me for choosing this path. 

Let me be clear on this from the start: Jonathan and I want to adopt.
Did we have plans and ideas for bio-children (I still think of robots when I read/write this word)? Not exactly.  I did, Jonathan wasn't so sure.  But one thing was clear from the very beginning of our relationship: We have always wanted to adopt.  When I was eleven years old I read Anne of Green Gables and decided right alongside Matthew and Marilla that adoption was for me.  I can remember talking to my very first boyfriend in high school about wanting to adopt some day.  I can remember having the "what we want in our futures" talk with Jonathan and feeling so excited that adoption was something that he wanted in life as well.   We chose this.  We want this.  This is not a Plan B. 

Think about what you're asking a woman when you ask her what's wrong with her? Why isn't she having her "own" child?  I am having my own child.  When I bring that baby (or infant, or child) home, I will love her, advocate for her,  discipline her, praise her, nurture her, hug and kiss her, take her to the zoo/park/school/etc, and a thousand other things that every mother does for her child.  I will be just as proud as my child graduates kindergarten, middle school, high school and college.  Jon will walk our daughter down the aisle, if we get a girl, on her wedding day or teach him how to treat a lady on his first date if we have a son.  I strongly believe (as cheesy as it is) that love makes a family, not biology. 

I am grateful that the shame of adoption isn't as prevalent as it once was.  I am thankful that there are such things as open adoptions.  And I am happy to answer any questions to anybody about why Jonathan and I are choosing this path.  But if you are going to ask me questions, please keep in mind that you are asking me about my child.  That negative connotations and thoughts and feelings are hurtful.  Please remember that Jonathan and I are so excited about this.  That we are going to love the crap out of our little one.  And that although it may not be a path that you would choose, it is one that we are proud of.  Please ask me questions if you have them.  I could go on and on about this process to anybody who will listen, believe me!

So in response to you, oh well meaning friend of mine, nothing.  Nothing is wrong with me.  Other than the fact that my baby isn't home yet, and I'm anxious to meet her ... or him.  But hopefully her, since Jonathan and I cannot agree on a boy name :)

Nikisha

6 Comments
Ashley
1/10/2014 10:34:07 am

Why would someone ask that question? Especially if adoption were a plan B, that means that this person has likely undergone some very extreme emotional and financial burdens to get there. And you think they should have to share with you something so very deeply personal that has probably caused a great deal of heartache? One of my biggest fears is having something "wrong with me" when we decide to try to grow our family.

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Courtney link
1/10/2014 10:35:44 am

Beautiful. You will both be amazing parents, no doubt =)

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Karla
1/10/2014 10:37:35 am

Very well put. I know I asked you why you wanted to adopt as well but I sure hope I didn't come close to making it sound like there was something wrong with the choice or you for making the choice. I asked because my son and daughter-in-law have looked into adoption and know several people through Spina Bifida communities that are involved in international adoptions and wondered if you had something behind your wish to adopt as well. Anyway, best of luck in your endeavors and if there is ever anything that I can do to help, please let me know!

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Grama Maia
1/10/2014 10:57:40 am

Biology ultimately means so little. Our extended family is literally littered with adoption. I was raised with adoption being just another avenue for expanding my family. Any yahoo can make babies...special and wonderful people make families. I could not be prouder of you, Nikisha and Jonathan. I can't wait to meet my grandchild...we have such plans for fun! Isn't wonderful how many paths to happiness there are?

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Stephanie
1/10/2014 11:54:40 am

As I read your blog tonight, there are two beautiful statements that struck a chord. It is poetic that it came from a daughter and her mother:

* Love makes a family, not biology!
* Isn't it wonderful how many paths to happiness there are?

These two statements are incredibly empowering for any person seeking joy in the world, and I think they highlight the indescribable beauty that radiates from you.

You are such a blessing, and I am so excited for your child. There are so many people that lover her/him already (I'm one of them)!

♥♥♥

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Gabe
1/21/2014 12:50:51 pm

"I strongly believe (as cheesy as it is) that love makes a family, not biology. "

This, this a thousand times this. Another version I've heard is that "forget blood, family are those people that act like family."

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    we're Nikisha and Jonathan ...
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Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone, but still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,you didn't grow under my heart, but in it.
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