"Oh no, what's wrong with you?" she asked, with a concerned look on her face.
"Nothing, until you asked me that" is what I wanted to reply. 

I have been scouring the internet for adoption blogs and helpful websites, so I know that I am not the first to be asked this hurtful question, nor will I be the last.   I know that adoptive families everywhere are asked this question everyday, and deal with it with grace.  I have read their answers, and I have read how to explain to people who simply do not understand.  So I was surprised that this question stung as much as it did.  I was even more surprised that I fumbled for an answer.  That I mumbled something unintelligible, and excused myself quickly.

I wish I could go back and change my mumble.  I wish I could stop thinking of the right thing to say hours later as I'm laying in bed.

I think what hurt the most is that the question implies that there is something wrong with adoption.  There is something wrong with Jonathan and me for choosing this path. 

Let me be clear on this from the start: Jonathan and I want to adopt. Did we have plans and ideas for bio-children (I still think of robots when I read/write this word)? Not exactly.  I did, Jonathan wasn't so sure.  But one thing was clear from the very beginning of our relationship: We have always wanted to adopt.  When I was eleven years old I read Anne of Green Gables and decided right alongside Matthew and Marilla that adoption was for me.  I can remember talking to my very first boyfriend in high school about wanting to adopt some day.  I can remember having the "what we want in our futures" talk with Jonathan and feeling so excited that adoption was something that he wanted in life as well.   We chose this.  We want this.  This is not a Plan B. 

Think about what you're asking a woman when you ask her what's wrong with her? Why isn't she having her "own" child?  I am having my own child.  When I bring that baby (or infant, or child) home, I will love her, advocate for her,  discipline her, praise her, nurture her, hug and kiss her, take her to the zoo/park/school/etc, and a thousand other things that every mother does for her child.  I will be just as proud as my child graduates kindergarten, middle school, high school and college.  Jon will walk our daughter down the aisle, if we get a girl, on her wedding day or teach him how to treat a lady on his first date if we have a son.  I strongly believe (as cheesy as it is) that love makes a family, not biology. 

I am grateful that the shame of adoption isn't as prevalent as it once was.  I am thankful that there are such things as open adoptions.  And I am happy to answer any questions to anybody about why Jonathan and I are choosing this path.  But if you are going to ask me questions, please keep in mind that you are asking me about my child.  That negative connotations and thoughts and feelings are hurtful.  Please remember that Jonathan and I are so excited about this.  That we are going to love the crap out of our little one.  And that although it may not be a path that you would choose, it is one that we are proud of.  Please ask me questions if you have them.  I could go on and on about this process to anybody who will listen, believe me!

So in response to you, oh well meaning friend of mine, nothing.  Nothing is wrong with me.  Other than the fact that my baby isn't home yet, and I'm anxious to meet her ... or him.  But hopefully her, since Jonathan and I cannot agree on a boy name :)

Nikisha

Okay! Here it is!! The first step in our adoption process! Are you excited?  Because I am!  It's time to find an agency!  With my cup of coffee in one hand I sit down at the computer and start with everybody's friend: Google.  Realistically I know this is going to take some time to find the exact match for us, but secretly in my head I want to find the right one NOW!

A few hours later, and it seems too early to be getting frustrated.  But there it is.  Frustration is settling in and everybody knows it by all my heavy sighs.  Google search generates the exact same list of results over and over regardless of the variation on search terms.  I keep getting pop-up ads and commercials for agencies who are HUGE.  Agencies who are not located near me.  Agencies who just don't look like they would care about my family.  I also keep getting adoption agencies in my area for pets.  Whereas I would love to have a dog, that isn't currently what we're going after here!

That's when my mother suggested I speak to Melissa, my cousin.  Melissa who has recently adopted her own wonderful little son. Good advice, Mom!  Melissa suggested I find real people who have experienced this side of adoption and can help answer questions, point me toward agencies, etc.  Sound advice from a wonderful woman.  Some of her resources came up with two agencies in my area; Jewish Family Services and Coordinators 2.  Then those agencies lead me to several other resources, and then: Bam! Less frustration already!

Jewish Social Services Agency: All the forms you need to fill out are available for download and easy to read.  This is also the first time I have seen prices for home studies and other services related to the adoption process spelled out in the open.  Another thing to consider is that JSSA is a reliable source, and have been around for 120 years (according to their website).  That certainly a huge plus when deciding who to work with.

Coordinators 2:  Awesome website, easy to navigate.  They have a ton of information regarding adoption in general.  So it's a good source of information if nothing else.  They seem very community based, and hold monthly events for their adoptive families as well as families waiting to adopt.  They also offer workshops and trainings for families in the adoption process, which is pretty awesome.  Unfortunately they're located in Richmond, and that's quite a drive for us.  They did lead me to another resource: AWAA

America World Adoption Association: Their domestic adoption services are currently closed to couples who live outside of Iowa (as of December 2013).  But there is a lot of helpful information on this website as well.  If you are looking to adopt internationally, they have many resources to look through.  Once you register, you are able to download their information packet and they also list all their fees on the page. 

Focus on the Family: My wonderful mother-in-law sent this site to me.  They have several pages of information, but do not appear to be arranging adoptions or placing children at the moment.

I think these four are enough for me to start processing information, and are certainly enough for one blog post.  I feel it's important to note that I have not yet worked with any of these agencies or foundations; we're still in the "searching for an agency" phase. 

So, I'm less frustrated now.  I have a couple of leads to look into and that's something.  I also found some grant information which I will dedicate a blog to in the near future.  Jonathan and I are also going to go buy "Adoption for Dummies" or something along those lines within the next couple weeks and I'll review that and any other book we read here as well.   Anything else anybody wants me to talk about in particular?  Leave me suggestions in the comments!

Until next time!
Nikisha - AKA Mommy